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| I'm quitting my job at Dollar General tomorrow.
It's mildly strange how much my dreams are taking over my mind and soul. I have less than 300 dollars to my name.
And that's counting this weeks check, and next weeks ( which will consist of 12 hours).
My sister's car isn't in my name yet, and I don't have enough money to make it run.
I only have a few cigarettes left in my box.
I have a lot of things that I've currently bought ( wasted my money on). Zero transportation.
But I can go up to my high school and recieve my diploma tomorrow.
300 dollars won't get me far. I owe Meme&Papa- $150
Mallory's parents- $36
114 bucks to my name.
A little more counting the random change thrown around in my room.
But all of that can be fixed. I just got to get out. ESCAPE. | | |
| I've lost 23 pounds.
I've actually lost 30 pounds total since late April. I'm currently at a stand still.
So, I bought diet/energy pills to consume daily. Hopefully, my weight will fly off.
I think about what 150 will be like, and then I realize I will not be satisfied with 150.
I start to think that 140 will satisfy but I know it won't. Even average weight for my height doesn't sound very nice.
I know that at 130-135 I'll look way better than now at 169, but i'm 97% sure that I will not stop losing once I reach that point. I'm scared to death of what "she" is doing to me again.
I know now more than ever that this illness will never leave me.
She is here to stay nomatter what the situation or weight I have on my body. She'll haunt my existance for my entire life, and for some reason at this moment is sounds worth it.
To me, beauty comes before health no matter how pathetic that is, I want to start living by those standards again.
I know that your Jesus wouldn't approve.
But I am alright with that. <3 | | |
| I spent my last day as a high school student wondering about the road ahead.
I graduated 6 weeks early, I expected to finish high school soon because I had .5 credits left,
and I was quickly finishing my last class, but now that I'm done I'm lost.
I'm not sure if I should cry, because it was my last bit of childhood.
Or dance because it was such a mental struggle for me the past 4 years, and it's over with.
My diet the last few days has changed drastically.
I've lowered my portions by more than half of what I used to eat.
It's nice.
I haven't lost yet, but hopefully weight flies off soon.
I'm standing at 192 pounds currently.
I love these green tea diet pills <3. | | |
| 
It was all a matter of time before it crashed before me.
And now I'm fighting myself in war,
anxiety holding me by chains,
as much as I want to escape,
she's holding me back.
Can't fight the fear,
for I'm paralyzed by her ways.
ball&chain on my ankles, blood dripping to my toes, trying to break free, but i can't go.
save me.
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| Maybe you can never completly walk away from an eating disorder.
once you walk away, it won't control you physically, but it can still hold you down mentally.
In the past i once complained when a size 0, was too snug around my thighs.
Now, I can't remember being a size 5, nor do I remember much of how it was like to be size 9.
It's become a chore to shop for clothes.
I hate when I'm at American Eagle, and I have to search through all the small sizes and find a pair of jeans, that will fit me, I wear a size 14 at American Eagle, the largest size they sell in store, or that I can find.
I hate everything about shopping.
change is needed in 2010. | | |
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